


What if We Loved Like Fools?

by Parker_Haven_Wuornos



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Audrey Didn't Stop, Colorado, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Melancholy Porn, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, The Colorado Kiss, it doesn't come up but it's important that you know that they aren't straight, okay there's some plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24316498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parker_Haven_Wuornos/pseuds/Parker_Haven_Wuornos
Summary: She wasn’t even sure he would want this, so she stopped a breath away from him, close enough that she was wrapped in his smell, like he’d figured out how to bottle and wear summer by the ocean. She was still hesitating, breathing him in when he closed the distance between them.There was no great crash this time. It wasn’t a wave breaking on a shore in a storm, it was just people. Just two hopeless humans, reaching for one another when the words had all dried up.
Relationships: Duke Crocker/Audrey Parker
Comments: 21
Kudos: 43





	What if We Loved Like Fools?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure I'm not the only one who's wondered what would have gone down if Audrey hadn't pulled away in Colorado. Tile is from Fools by Lauren Aquilina, which sets the mood for this really well. Thanks for reading and please comment.

Audrey pulled away. Had to half-launch herself across the room until her back was pressed against the wall so she could breathe, could clear the smell of him from her nose and think. All the breaths in the world wouldn’t have erased the feeling of his hands on her heated skin though.

 _God, how does Nathan live without that?_ She shoved the unwanted thought away. She could not think about Nathan right now.

Duke was looking at her, his expression hopeless and understanding. She was pulling away and he was going to let her, and that was good. That was right.

“Twenty days,” She said, trying to make a joke of it even though neither of them would believe it. “That’s not long enough for me to fix our friendship if I screw this up.” She forced another broken laugh and it stung on the way out of her chest.

Duke nodded, his face twisted into a half smile like he’d expected this, which made her mad.

Audrey didn’t need one more emotion mixed into the hurricane that was happening in her head.

 _Twenty days._ She’d known it. The countdown was always behind her eyes, no matter how hard she worked at not thinking about it. Still, somehow saying it and seeing it resonate in Duke’s eyes had made it real.

Twenty days. Less than three weeks. Fifteen business days. It wasn’t long enough to hike the Appalachian trail, not that she’d ever really wanted to do that, but now she’d never be able to.

 _Maybe whoever I am next will want to do that._ The thought was hysterical and horrible. She coughed a little.

“I’m going to go get some air.” She ran past him, only realizing when she’d reached the door that her sweatshirt was on the bed. She would have to go past him again to get it, and if she touched him the tattered remains of her resolve would disintegrate.

She left the sweatshirt where it was.

The air was cold and clear and dry, which was enough of a shock that she managed to think. Gravel stung her bare feet as she went outside and leaned against the rental car because there was nothing better to do.

“I kissed Duke,” Audrey said, imagining herself saying it to Claire, which made her shudder. She wished Julia had stayed in town. Julia would have, well, not understood, but she would have listened and given Audrey the very practical advice she needed right now.

She wished she had more friends, wished she could call someone right now and get them to talk some sense into her, but the only person who would take her call at this time would be Nathan, and she was not thinking about Nathan.

She would, could, and should not think of Nathan.

“You left this.” Duke was holding her sweatshirt and approaching slowly, like he thought she would bolt.

If she was being honest, she would admit that she thought about it. But she was barefoot, and it was the middle of the night and it really was cold, so she took the shirt from him and let him determine how close they would be while they leaned against the hood of the car.

He decided on close, which was no surprise. Neither Duke nor Nathan had much of a concept of personal space, something that had shocked her when she’d first arrived, but had quickly become a new normal.

God, it all seemed like so long ago. Twenty days wasn’t much time to have left, but she had been in Haven for a lifetime.

“Are you okay?” Duke asked carefully. It was as if he knew it was the wrong thing to say, but he wanted to say something, and that somehow made it the right thing to say.

“Twenty days,” Audrey said.

Duke looked at her, and Audrey looked back at him and saw something fathomless in his eyes. It was like looking over the side of his boat when they were miles from shore. Something ancient and powerful and maybe awful was behind that look, and she had to look away before it scared her.

For the first time, she wondered if maybe she had it easy, being the one who disappeared. The one who forgot.

Carefully, he reached for her and pushed her hair away from her face. “I meant it,” He said, his voice soft and rough. “I’ll do whatever you need.” He laughed, and she only knew it was forced because she could see his eyes. “I’ll even pretend this never happened.”

That stung. It had no right to sting, because she had given every indication that that _was_ what she wanted, but now that he was speaking it into existence the idea made her itch and pull away.

The town pretended that Sarah and Lucy hadn’t happened. She thought of Vince and Dave and Garland and every other bastard who had known _something_ and found some way to obfuscate and lie to her. That would be her future, she realized. Everyone would pretend that Audrey Parker had never happened to Haven.

“I don’t want that,” She said quietly.

Duke let out a bitter laugh, and then clamped his mouth shut. He hadn’t meant for that to escape. Good, she was under his skin, past his walls.

He had been past hers for ages.

“Then what do you want, Audrey?” He asked, all rough edges and honesty. He wasn’t hiding, the mask was gone. His face was shattered and beautiful in the moonlight. “I said I’d do anything. You must know, Audrey. You have to know.”

She did know, and she didn’t want him to say it. Not with twenty days left. Not when they were just more words for goodbye.

Audrey nodded and leaned in slowly. She wasn’t even sure he would want this, so she stopped a breath away from him, close enough that she was wrapped in his smell, like he’d figured out how to bottle and wear summer by the ocean. She was still hesitating, breathing him in when he closed the distance between them.

There was no great crash this time. It wasn’t a wave breaking on a shore in a storm, it was just people. Just two hopeless humans, reaching for one another when the words had all dried up.

And it was perfect.

One of his hands held her hair out of her face and cradled her jaw, impossibly gentle for how strong she knew he was. The other was around her waist, holding her against his chest. She didn’t know what to do with her hands. They wouldn’t settle anywhere, roaming over his arms, his shirt, tracing the edges of his tattoos until they disappeared into his sleeves. One of them finally found his hair and she realized that was what she’d been looking for. She tugged and his mouth opened in a gasp as he gave into her.

She had no idea how long she was lost in him before a crowd a people spilled out of one of the rooms, startling them apart. They were all huge and loud, laughing jovially with one another as they split off into different rooms, their party over.

“Lumberjack tournament,” Duke said, just a little breathless, which made Audrey laugh.

Everything was funny all of a sudden, and Audrey laughed long enough that she hiccupped and wanted to cry.

_Twenty days._

Duke brought his hand back up to her jaw, lifting her face towards his. There was a silent question on his face, to which she didn’t know the answer.

She shivered and he ran his hands up and down her arms, warming them with friction.

“You’re shaking,” He said.

She nodded. “Let’s go inside.”

His nod told her that he knew what she really meant.

The overly lit hotel room was like a bucket of water, and whatever spell they’d cast outside was broken. Suddenly, Audrey was too aware of her arms and unsure what to do with them. Crossing them was too aggressive, but letting them hang at her sides was awkward and exposed.

Duke was watching her, a curious, patient expression on his face. He was waiting for her, and she could tell he thought she was going to bail again.

Despite the fact that she knew it was reasonable for him to think that, it made her mad. She wanted to prove him wrong, and maybe that was his goal all along. He always had liked pulling her pigtails.

She turned on him, leaning up as far as she could and bracing herself against his chest to scrape an additional inch into her height. He steadied her—like he always did—and met her in the middle.

Audrey was all heat and intensity, pouring the last remnants of her frustration and irritation onto him. Duke was stubbornly slow, holding her where was and not pressing an inch further, or allowing her to push forward.

He pulled back after a minute and she couldn’t hold in a little huff.

“Audrey,” He said. “We have time.”

“Maybe you do,” She snapped without thinking.

Duke flinched like she’d hit him.

After a stretch of seconds that felt infinite, she said, quietly, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He dragged his hand through his hair, the action so casual and unthinking that Audrey couldn’t help being distracted, but only for a second.

She had been worried about this. This was why she’d pulled away. There was something thick in the air between them now, like the kisses they’d shared had come to life and were still sitting there, waiting to be killed or fed. They would take them back to Haven with them, and this awkwardness wouldn’t end until she disappeared into a meteor storm.

Audrey didn’t think she could live with that. She couldn’t live with twenty days of distance, twenty days of grieving while she was still alive. She had lost Nathan to her stupid desire to protect them from something they would feel no matter what, something they were already feeling. She wouldn’t lose Duke too.

“Do you want this?” She said quietly. Her voice and pulse were steady, even if nothing else was. So many times since she’d gotten to Haven, her world had rolled out from under her feet like a ship in a storm. Maybe what she needed, what she’d always needed, was someone who knew how to balance in that.

Duke stared at her, stricken, like he hadn’t even expected to be asked. “Yes.”

She didn’t kiss him again; she just wound her fingers into his hair—how many times had she thought about this when she should have been thinking about something else, something more important? —and gently scratched down his scalp.

His eyes closed and he swayed towards her, his mouth falling open.

It was her turn to be slow and stubborn, just to see how far she could take this. She traced patterns on his scalp, sometimes scratching, sometimes stroking, never enough pressure to hurt and slowly, he fell to his knees in front of her.

She felt powerful, but also affection so strong and sharp it made her want to cry.

 _I would do anything you need me to._ God, he’d really meant it. She couldn’t keep standing over him like this, it was too much.

She knelt down in front of him, between his spread knees, propping up so that for once they were almost the same height.

She put two fingers under his jaw the way she’d seen Nathan do. She’d always figured it was one of the rare references to their relationship they still allowed themselves, and she must have been right, because he let out a breath that was almost a moan as she tilted his chin up.

This time she did kiss him. It was just a small, gentle press of lips, a hesitant attempt at saying things she knew she’d never speak aloud.

When she pulled away, Duke met her eyes.

The silence was enormous between them and then he lunged forward and pulled her against him.  
This kiss was all searing heat and teeth and it hurt but that just reminded her that for now, she was still alive. And it was _good_.

He had one hand on the back of her head and the other holding her flush against him. He kissed like he was drowning and she was air and she held on and gave as much as he did, pulling her sweatshirt off and tossing it wherever when his warmth got to be too much.

She lifted his shirt just enough to expose some skin and ran her hands over his stomach. She felt his muscles constrict and pulled away groaning low in his throat.

Duke pulled her back against him trailing his lips down her jaw, under her ear, skimming her neck with his teeth.

“Fuck,” She groaned, tilting her head to give him better access and biting on sighs as he used it to his best advantage.

It was so much, so perfect. She pulled away and yanked his shirt off, as much to get a breath of space as to have him in less clothing.

Once he was in less clothing, she didn’t want the space anymore though. Technically, this wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before, but there was something much different about him now, like she’d finally cracked through the performative shell he wore as armor and she was finally seeing everything he hid.

Audrey kissed him again. “Beautiful,” She whispered against his lips, because he was.

He sighed into her, his hands settled, unsure, on her waist. She smiled and leaned away from him to pull her shirt off, not bothering to keep track of where it ended up.

Duke opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, his eyes roamed over her like he wanted to memorize every detail of her skin. She swallowed hard, mouth dry. No one ever looked at her the way he did, and even he had never looked at her like _that._

His hands traced over her reverently and she closed her eyes and sighed.

The unwanted thought of Nathan’s trouble came back to her mind. She couldn’t imagine the sad halfway this would be if she couldn’t feel Duke’s hands, his mouth, the warmth of his skin and the cool bite of the hotel air conditioning, still turned on too high.

 _Don’t think of Nathan,_ She thought, but it was too late. She was imagining him here, and it was strange how easily he slotted into the space behind her, how easy it was to picture the way he would look at her.

She flushed and sighed, arching further into Duke’s hands, which had just started to trace the edges of her bra.

Shaking away the impossible fantasy—Nathan was with Jordan and even if he wasn’t, it would take a miracle for him and Duke to be that comfortable around each other—Audrey leaned in to kiss Duke’s shoulder, tracing a faint scar she found with her lips.

Duke unhooked her bra and slid it off, then let his hands run up and down her back, scraping lightly with blunt nails. She sighed and leaned closer. This was perfect, but that didn’t mean a part of her didn’t want more.

He pulled away to look at her. “You with me?”

She smiled and kissed him. Of course he’d noticed. How could she ever think anything would slide by him?

He swallowed, the hollow, hopeless look back on his face. “Are you… do you wish it was him?”

Audrey pulled Duke back to her, kissing him hard. “No,” She said, pressing her forehead against his.

She could tell he didn’t quite believe her, so she decided to just be honest. “I wish it was both of you.”

Duke took a sharp breath in and swallowed hard. Very quietly, so quiet she wasn’t sure she heard him right, he said, “So do I.”

Then he kissed her again and she got lost, because if they were wishing at least they were wishing for the same things. Somehow she ended up laying on her back on the floor, and he was hovering over her, supporting his weight and cradling her head so she didn’t have to pull away. 

She reached for his pants, undoing his belt and pushing, hoping he would do the rest; she needed less between them. She needed him.

He stopped her hands as she reached between them, before she’d even managed to grip him.

Audrey opened her mouth to check in, to make sure he was still okay, but he smiled down at her, his hair a mess around his face. Carefully, he lifted her hand up and pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist.

Her breath hitched as he gently set her hand down so it was resting against her stomach and he undid her pants. It was impressive that he could do that with one hand while still holding himself up.

He didn’t wait to pull her underwear off, and he tossed everything aside, taking a moment to stare at her.

She had to admit that it was nice being admired like this, like she was the sun, like it hurt but he couldn’t look away. Audrey stretched, arching her back up and shivered when he whispered her name.

“Audrey,” He repeated.

She spread her legs and he curled one hand around her calf stroking up her leg, pausing to kiss a freckle on the side of her knee.

“You’re beautiful,” He said, and she wanted to make a joke, to lighten the moment a little, but he was so completely sincere that she couldn’t do it.

Like it or not, for better or worse, he meant everything he said and everything he did, and they were doing this, and there was no going back from here.

His hand around her thigh now, and she thought about how much would change after this, how much already had changed. She had been right; there was no fixing this if she ruined it somehow.

Duke slid a finger inside her and she arched into it, letting out an inappropriately loud moan.

 _Fuck it,_ She thought. _Ruin it. Ruin everything._

“More,” She said.

He slid a second finger into her, curling them slowly. She thrust into his hand and clawed at the back of his neck, pulling him down to her for a messy kiss.

She knew he’d be good at this, but god, he was almost too much. He stroked her slowly, working her up and watching the whole time. He didn’t watch with the satisfied smirk he wore when he was showing off, this was the same soft reverence he’d shown earlier.

It was that look, almost more than his hands, that brought her close to the edge. “Duke, please,” She begged, even though she hated begging.

“Anything,” He said. He circled her clit with his thumb one more time and she came apart on his hand.

Duke pulled away from her and she reached out, half clinging to his arm.

“Don’t stop,” She said, and she hadn’t meant for it to sound desperate. She pulled him back to her, not sure how to say what she was thinking, not sure he would understand how much she didn’t want this to be over.

“Audrey.” He kissed her back when she pressed into him, but he pulled away. “Audrey…” Her name was a sigh on his lips, he was close to breaking. He wouldn’t leave her, whatever deluded self-sacrificial idea was pulling him away wouldn’t—

“Audrey.” He pulled back. “I have wanted this for as long as I have known you. We are not having sex on the floor of this hotel room.”

In the middle of everything, she had forgotten that she was laying on the threadbare carpet. She had forgotten where they were and why.

For a few minutes, she had forgotten that she only had twenty days left.

“Officer Parker,” Duke said, his smile soft as he tapped her forehead. “Are you still with me?”

She smiled, arched an eyebrow. “Bed?”

He held his hand out to her and she stood on unsteady legs, letting him pull her over to the bed. She sat and watched him finally finish taking his pants off. It was her turn to be a little reverent. He was gorgeous, all long lines and tan skin, and he moved with the ease of someone who was utterly comfortable with himself. How she envied that.

She expected him to come over as soon as he was undressed but he stopped, picked up his pants. For whatever reason, she thought he was about to fold them, but he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and grabbed a condom.

Audrey bit down a smile. “You were prepared.”

“I just had that, I wasn’t—”

She laughed and reached for his hand, pulling him towards the bed so he was standing between her legs. Taking the condom from him, she opened it and rolled it onto him, watching his eyes close and his head fall back at the feel of her hand on him. Smiling, Audrey stroked him slowly a few times, watching a muscle tick in his temple, the only sign of how tense he was.

Duke’s eyes snapped open and he grabbed her wrist, stopping her hand. “That’s not what I want.”

Audrey nodded. She had known that, but she’d thought it would take longer to get him to admit it. She moved further onto the bed until her back was against the pillows and waited for him to follow her.

It was the first time she’d felt self-conscious during any of this, and it made no sense. They were both naked, he’d already made her come once. He’d seen everything; they’d been honest with each other. What was this, compared to that?

But somehow, watching him stare at her like he still— _still_ —couldn’t believe this was happening made her want to pull her knees up and cover herself. What was he seeing when he looked at her? Who was Audrey Parker to Duke Crocker?

He got into bed next to her and put one hand on her jaw, turning her so she was looking at him when he kissed her, soft and slow.

His hands settled on her hips, thumbs tracing slow circles. Everything with him was slow, tentative, not like he thought she was going to break, but like he thought she was made of smoke that would disappear if he pressed too hard.

She understood that. After everything, after one of the strangest days of a very strange year, this didn’t feel completely real. And yet, his mouth on hers was the realest thing she’d experienced; the way his facial hair scratched at her chin and the how her hands caught in knots she’d made in his hair grounded her.

This was real and it was _good._

Duke’s grip on her hips tightened until he was pulling her closer to him, pulling her on top of him. She wasn’t surprised that he’d guessed exactly what she liked. If anyone had that kind of strange, useful little superpower, it would be him.

She leaned over him, pushing him further back into the pillows and sank down on top of him. He let out a choked off groan that she took as an opportunity to slide her tongue into his mouth, exploring.

Rocking her hips experimentally, she waited to hear something, but he didn’t make a sound. Audrey leaned back, searching his face. He was breathing deeply, eyes closed.

“Are you… counting your breaths?” Audrey asked, a half-gasp laugh escaping her.

Duke opened his eyes. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” He asked, completely serious.

She flushed, a rush of pleasure shivering up her spine at the idea that she affected him so much.

“Audrey,” He whispered, thrusting shallowly into her. “God, I—”

She kissed him before he could finish the sentence, picked up her pace, lifting off of him and falling back down until she was sweating, her breath coming hard and fast between sighs and moans.

He must have known why she’d stopped him, but he didn’t comment on it. He met her thrusts, pulling her back onto him, letting the pace be as fast and rough as she wanted it. They crushed the pillows underneath him until he was nearly flat, and she was completely in control of the pace.

He was a mess beneath her, his jaw clamed tight and yet still unable to contain the curses and cries and her name, over and over again.

She was close, and she still wanted more. She dragged one of his hands off her hip and pressed his thumb against her clit until he managed enough focus to rub it, pulling a sharp cry from her.

“Duke,” She groaned out; her voice was disconnected from her, its own entity with its own needs while she was chasing hers.

“I’m right here,” He said, breathless and barely aware. “I’m here, Audrey.”

She knew that. There was no way she _couldn’t_ have known that. He was everywhere. His hands were on her back, in her hair, stroking her clit, his hips were between her legs, thrusting into her. He was with her and she was so close.

“Duke,” She gasped again, and his pace stuttered, his breathing hitched.

He was close. She loved that she could tell, that for once he was easy to read, or maybe for once she was paying enough attention.

His hand slid up her back—one more perfect sensation added to all the rest—and buried itself in her hair. He dragged her down until she was flush against him, their foreheads pressed together.

He shifted under her, one last motion that threw her over the edge. She was glad she was already laying against him so she didn’t fall, glad she could ride this out with her lips on his neck, his jaw, and finally his mouth as he gasped out her name and came hard.

Duke waited for her to finish, letting her ride out the intensity and stroking her back and her hair until she was back to herself before he pulled out and went to the bathroom to throw away the condom and clean up.

When he returned, he paused in the doorway to watch her. “Are you still going to make me sleep on the couch?”

She knew that if she said yes, he would, she knew—as often as she ignored it or pushed it aside—that he really would do anything for her. But she smiled. “Come back here.”

His mouth twisted into a grin; he really hadn’t been sure what she would say.

Audrey curled against his side, resting her head on his shoulder. She wanted to ask what would happen tomorrow when they got back to Haven. She wanted to ask if things would change. She wanted to ask what they would do about Nathan.

But all of that would ruin this, so she didn’t say anything.

“You okay?” He asked, pushing her hair away from her face with hands so gentle she couldn’t believe they’d ever hurt anyone.

She nodded. “Yeah. Are you?”

He smiled. “I’m always okay.”

“You’re full of shit,” She said, swinging a pillow at him, which he swatted away easily.

“I’m good, Audrey,” He said, leaning down to kiss her. “I’m really good.”

“Really?”

He laughed at her teasing smile and kissed her again, leaning in to whisper conspiratorially, “Really, really.”

For a second when she looked at him, she saw that unbearably soft look he’d given her earlier, not quite hidden under a joke and a smile. The one that spoke of an adoration that made her throat close and her heart pound. What would she do with that? How could she accept it?

Duke, of course, hadn’t asked her to accept it, and wouldn’t. It was given, unquestioningly and without conditions, hers to do what she wanted with. Even if she didn’t—couldn’t—return it.

She held on to him a little tighter.

“Audrey?” He asked.

She looked up at him. “It’s not enough time.”

His grip tightened, holding her against his chest like he could keep her in this world on strength alone. “I know.”

“Do you think,” She said quietly, “That everything can be erased? Do you think… maybe some part of me will still be there? Some memories or… feelings?”

He rested his chin on the top of her head, holding her close. It was comforting, but she was aware that she couldn’t see his face, that she had no way of knowing what he was thinking.

“They can’t take everything,” He said, a kind lie.

She wanted to believe it though. She wanted to think that, whoever or whatever was going to erase her would leave some traces behind, that she would be there, like footprints in sand, if someone went looking.

He whispered something into her hair, but she pretended to sleep so she didn’t have to hear it, even though she knew what it was. He’d been right.

She knew.

There was nothing she could do about it. She had been telling the truth. Twenty days wasn’t enough to fix this if she ruined it, and she would ruin it in twenty days anyway, would ruin him.

And he was holding her and letting her.

And she loved him for that.

For now. 


End file.
